Heartbroken. Still struggling to find the beauty amidst the pain. It is going to be very difficult creating memories without you, mom. The holidays are near; I couldn’t feel any more colder than I do now. I can’t even fathom. A month ago was her 47th birthday and she still held that beautiful smile. Only 3 weeks ago, we thought you only had allergies… only to find out that it was Stage IV Lung Cancer. Heaven was God’s only cure. He holds you now. You are healed. You achieved your dreams, except in a matter that is so much greater than what your earthly dreams were. You’re finally holding your son. You’re rejoicing.

God, please give the people who are grieving peace of mind and heart. This loss is so much greater than our own understanding. I still don’t understand why, but I don’t want to drain myself figuring out what I won’t have answered until I get to Heaven. My unanswered questions and unsaid words will have to be put to rest; It is over. She is home. 

The support of our family and friends is overwhelming, yet beautifully amazing. The late nights with 30+ people sleeping in the waiting room just to see my mom, the people who traveled from different cities and countries just to support, the blogs and messages sent daily to encourage us. I couldn’t be any more thankful. God is amazing, and I will not cease to believe that miracles are still happening because my mom held a faith so strong - Mom, you are inspiration.

She had a heart for the younger generation - for people our age. She had a passion to help, encourage, mediate, and listen to us. She laughed with us, and weeped with us. She got disappointed in us when we would stray, but also welcomed us with open arms when we would decide to run back. I have never met a mother so passionate about reaching out to those who felt misunderstood, hurt, and lonely. I continue to stand in awe as I see how patient you were with us. You gave us your all, wholeheartedly, and I could not ask for anything more. 

Mom, this is not easy. I don’t want to be bitter this time around. Throughout all we have been through - losing my brother, losing my good friends, losing my grandfathers, losing our home - I feel like this just came as a slap in my face. But as I begin to feel selfishly hurt, I know that I can’t handle my grief the way I have always done. I will do something to fulfill your dreams. I will do something to live the legacy you’ve passed on. Mom, thank you so much for leaving behind your box of journals filled with your bible verses, words of wisdom, and the experience you went through as you faced your daily struggles. Your gifts are worth more than gold. 

The end of this year will be hard, but I will keep my hope and faith in Him alive. 

You are home now. Be free.